Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Five Stages of X-Raying a Child

For the benefit of any who may not have experienced it before, getting a child X-rayed (especially when you have no way to explain to her that it won't hurt and all she needs to do is hold still) goes something like this:

Phase 1: Crying

From the moment you enter the building, she knows it's something she isn't going to like, and the tears start falling.

Phase 2: Screaming Bloody Murder

Usually starts when you enter the examination room. She somehow knows that this is the place where it's all going to go down and that it's time to put on her game face.

Phase 3: The Full Limp Noodle

Upon picking up the child to place her on the examination table, all of her muscles will relax and she will endeavor to turn into a puddle of toddler on the floor.

Phase 4: The Rabid Wolverine

The noodle having proven ineffective, the child will then “hulk up” and proceed to fight the X-ray process with tooth and nail. Actually, a single rabid wolverine doesn't really describe it; it's more like two rival hyena packs fighting over a dead gazelle. Expect to need at least two people to hold her down, perhaps more. Expect elbows to faces and scratches on arms. Expect multiple attempts at getting a clear image.

Phase 5: The Blubbering Mess

Once the torture is over, the child will now willingly sit on the examination table that you fought so hard to keep her on, but will snivel incoherently and look at you like you just killed her puppy.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I've mentioned before that Google Analytics shows me what search terms people use to reach my blog. I thought I'd share the most common, interesting, or just plain odd topics people search for that somehow lead them here:

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult (141 hits)
Numerous variants and misspellings which search engines somehow saw through; several are looking for T-shirts with the phrase on it.
Calvin and Hobbes (104 hits)
Apparently, a number of people are interested to see what Calvin might be like as an adult. There were a couple of Sunday-style strips which showed this, but both are scenarios imagined by the still-juvenile Calvin and Suzie.
Aquaria (71 hits)
Some are curious about the alternate endings or want news about a sequel. (There isn't one, thus far.)
Thiomersal/MMR vaccine autism (25 hits)
People trying to find out if thiomersal causes autism. (Pretty much all reputable sources say it doesn't.)
Adult (25 hits)
People searching for stuff I'd rather not know about.
Manliness (24 hits)
People lookin' to be manly. One person wanted to know what manliness had to do with Old Spice.
Jurassic continents (13 hits)
More people are finding out every day that Africa and South America look suspiciously like the head of a Tyrannosaurus.
Jamie wants big boom (14 hits)
People looking for more MythBustery goodness. (New episodes began airing October 7th!)
Huuh (5 hits)
Why on earth was anyone searching for that?
Robert J. Walker (4 hits)
There are a lot people named Robert Walker out there, and even some Robert J. Walkers. Were they looking specifically for me? Or perhaps they wanted a former Secretary of the Treasury? Or maybe a previous member of the House of Representatives? (There are a couple of Hollywood actors who were named Robert Walker. One was born in Salt Lake City, no less. The other is his son, who portrayed Charlie Evans on an episode of Star Trek.)
Calvin Hobbes autism
Someone out there suspects that Calvin is autistic? I would have guessed ADHD, myself.
Robert Walker Star Trek
Ah, there's someone looking for Charlie Evans.
Bob Walker pirate
Build a disguised robot out of pieces in your house
Look out, the cybernetic conquerors are coming.
Can tarps support human weight?
What is this guy up to? I feel like I ought to call the cops or something.
Disguised games/glasses/money box/garbage can/autism
People are interested in a wide variety of stealth items.
Granted learned to appreciate grateful nightmare
Great Salt Lake creature
Do we have our own Nessie? *searches* Well, you learn something every day.
How did Camille cleverly die?
As opposed to “stupidly?”
Is Ken Jennings autistic?
Not that I've heard.
Underestimated Robert Walker
Ha ha! You have underestimated me for the last time! Mwahahaha!
You know, um,
No, I don't.