Thirsty for MythBusters?

I've not had much experience with drinking games, what with being a Mormon, and therefore a teetotaler. Still, a similar sort of fun can be had with non-alcoholic beverages, with the goal changing from (not) getting smashed to trying to see who can avoid having to go to the bathroom the longest. So in anticipation of the new episodes of MythBusters coming out on October 6, I present my lovingly-crafted MythBusters drinking game. There are a few others out there; I shamelessly stole the best ideas from them and added my own. By default, each event requires one (1) sip when it occurs; those that are worth more are noted as such.

Any Cast Member

• Gets hurt (+2 if it's not Adam or Tory, or if it isn't their own fault)
• Gets drunk (+1 if it's Grant or Kari, +2 if it's Jamie and you can actually tell)
• Throws up (+2 if it's not Adam or Grant)
• Gets censored for cursing (+2 if it's Grant or Kari)
• Fails a driving test or otherwise performs poorly behind the wheel (+1 if they aren't impaired in some way at the time)
• Uses a calculator (+2 if it's Kari)
• Says something like “Well, you know we can't just leave it at that...”
• Unnecessarily abuses a dummy (+1 if it's a cast of Grant's head)
• Cites online criticisms of earlier experiments
• Adds unnecessary decorations to a prop (+2 if it's Jamie)
• Likeness appears in an animation (+1 if said likeness gets injured or killed)
• (2) Tells the audience not to try this at home (other than the standard warnings at the start and middle)
• (2) Is prevented against his or her will from participating in a test due to insurance concerns

Jamie Hyneman

• Says, “When in doubt,...” (e.g. “C-4,” “lubricate”)
• Calls Adam a big baby or makes a similar remark about his complaints
• Talks very seriously to others about safety
• Gets upset about a mess or damage to his shop or equipment
• (2) Berates someone for screwing up an experiment
• (2) Brings out the lard
• (2) Removes his beret
• (2) Giggles
• (3) Gets truly excited
• (3) Permits someone to touch his mustache or beret
• (3) Gets his white shirt dirty, or removes it to prevent this
• (3) Loses a “build-off”

Adam Savage

• Juggles or performs magic
• Displays his filthy hands
• Calls Jamie by something other than his actual name (e.g. “Heiney-man,” “Silent Walrus”)
• References Jamie's age, past occupations or extraterrestrial origin
• Mimics Jamie's mustache with his hands or another object
• Rides a Segway
• Says “Science!” enthusiastically
• Wears a self-referential T-shirt
• Speaks with an accent (+1 for the David Attenborough one talking about “The Hyneman”)
• (3) Singes his hair

Kari Byron

• Employs her artistic skills
• Screams when startled
• Incorrectly predicts the outcome of a test
• (2) Is repulsed by meat
• (3) Has a baby

Grant Imahara

• Builds or suggests building a “robot”
• Brings out Deadblow
• (2) Commits a mathematical error
• (3) Becomes frustrated or upset

Tory Belleci

• Someone refers to his Italian heritage
• Gets volunteered for something painful or potentially dangerous (+1 if called a “dummy”)
• (3) Wears women's clothing
• (3) Speaks in a nerd-lisp accent

Miscellaneous

• Something explodes, launches, crashes, shoots or incinerates (+2 if it was unintentional, unnecessary, or made out of meat)
• Buster gets busted, burned, dropped, hurled or in some other way abused
• The fire department or paramedics are on hand, “just in case”
• A previously-built rig is reused
• A radio-controlled vehicle fails to stop when it should (+2 if someone is inside when it happens)
• The high-speed camera is used in situations where it wouldn't yield any data which would be useful for testing the myth, but because the footage is fun to watch (e.g. Adam getting slapped)
• Testing is shown taking place at a gun or bomb range, decommissioned military facility, or NASA laboratory
• The “WARNING: Science Content!” plate appears
• (2) A “human analog” (a.k.a. pig carcass) is brought in
• (2) The Build Team has a myth which is significantly cooler than Adam and Jamie's
• (2) Real human body parts or fluids are used in an experiment
• (2) A small-scale experiment fails, but they go full-scale anyway
• (3) A revisit overturns the original findings for a myth
• (3) Someone's entire body is coated with a substance (e.g. metallic paint)
• (3) Essential steps or ingredients for a test are censored
• (3) No definitive conclusion is reached for a myth
• (3) A myth result is bafflingly counterintuitive (e.g. mouse vs. elephant)

Money

We hosted Thanksgiving this year for my parents and my sister-in-law. Gorgeous Wife did a great job on the meal, and I suppose I did a reasonably okay job watching kids while she made it. The turkey, in particular, won high praise from all.

After the meal, my son went to bed, and the rest of us went downstairs to chat. At one point, Gorgeous Wife pointed to my mom and asked my daughter, “Who's that?” “'Amma,” she responded, which is about as close as she gets to the word “grandma” right now. Then Gorgeous Wife pointed at my dad and asked, “Who's that?” We expected something like “'Ampa,” but instead, without any hesitation, she said, “Money.” Several more trials indicated that she clearly believes that her grandfather is “Money.”

Watch out, Dad.

The Five Stages of X-Raying a Child

For the benefit of any who may not have experienced it before, getting a child X-rayed (especially when you have no way to explain to her that it won't hurt and all she needs to do is hold still) goes something like this:

Phase 1: Crying

From the moment you enter the building, she knows it's something she isn't going to like, and the tears start falling.

Phase 2: Screaming Bloody Murder

Usually starts when you enter the examination room. She somehow knows that this is the place where it's all going to go down and that it's time to put on her game face.

Phase 3: The Full Limp Noodle

Upon picking up the child to place her on the examination table, all of her muscles will relax and she will endeavor to turn into a puddle of toddler on the floor.

Phase 4: The Rabid Wolverine

The noodle having proven ineffective, the child will then “hulk up” and proceed to fight the X-ray process with tooth and nail. Actually, a single rabid wolverine doesn't really describe it; it's more like two rival hyena packs fighting over a dead gazelle. Expect to need at least two people to hold her down, perhaps more. Expect elbows to faces and scratches on arms. Expect multiple attempts at getting a clear image.

Phase 5: The Blubbering Mess

Once the torture is over, the child will now willingly sit on the examination table that you fought so hard to keep her on, but will snivel incoherently and look at you like you just killed her puppy.

Searching

I've mentioned before that Google Analytics shows me what search terms people use to reach my blog. I thought I'd share the most common, interesting, or just plain odd topics people search for that somehow lead them here:

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult (141 hits)

Numerous variants and misspellings which search engines somehow saw through; several are looking for T-shirts with the phrase on it.

Calvin and Hobbes (104 hits)

Apparently, a number of people are interested to see what Calvin might be like as an adult. There were a couple of Sunday-style strips which showed this, but both are scenarios imagined by the still-juvenile Calvin and Suzie.

Aquaria (71 hits)

Some are curious about the alternate endings or want news about a sequel. (There isn't one, thus far.)

Thiomersal/MMR vaccine autism (25 hits)

People trying to find out if thiomersal causes autism. (Pretty much all reputable sources say it doesn't.)

Adult (25 hits)

People searching for stuff I'd rather not know about.

Manliness (24 hits)

People lookin' to be manly. One person wanted to know what manliness had to do with Old Spice.

Jurassic continents (13 hits)

More people are finding out every day that Africa and South America look suspiciously like the head of a Tyrannosaurus.

Jamie wants big boom (14 hits)

People looking for more MythBustery goodness. (New episodes began airing October 7th!)

Huuh (5 hits)

Why on earth was anyone searching for that?

Robert J. Walker (4 hits)

There are a lot people named Robert Walker out there, and even some Robert J. Walkers. Were they looking specifically for me? Or perhaps they wanted a former Secretary of the Treasury? Or maybe a previous member of the House of Representatives? (There are a couple of Hollywood actors who were named Robert Walker. One was born in Salt Lake City, no less. The other is his son, who portrayed Charlie Evans on an episode of Star Trek.)

Calvin Hobbes autism

Someone out there suspects that Calvin is autistic? I would have guessed ADHD, myself.

Robert Walker Star Trek

Ah, there's someone looking for Charlie Evans.

Bob Walker pirate

Avast!

Build a disguised robot out of pieces in your house

Look out, the cybernetic conquerors are coming.

Can tarps support human weight?

What is this guy up to? I feel like I ought to call the cops or something.

Disguised games/glasses/money box/garbage can/autism

People are interested in a wide variety of stealth items.

Granted learned to appreciate grateful nightmare

What?

Great Salt Lake creature

Do we have our own Nessie? *searches* Well, you learn something every day.

How did Camille cleverly die?

As opposed to “stupidly?”

Is Ken Jennings autistic?

Not that I've heard.

Underestimated Robert Walker

Ha ha! You have underestimated me for the last time! Mwahahaha!

You know, um,

No, I don't.

Tech Support Cheat Sheet

Everyone should read this. Everyone. That is all.

Mo Madness

It's March Madness time. Office dwellers across the country (including myself) are filling out brackets and prepping their trash talk for their co-workers. Today, though, I discovered an entirely different game: Mo Madness, the Mormon culture tournament. It was apparently put together by a guy who writes a blog called What Mormons Like. Basically, he's asking you to vote for elements of Mormon culture. There are some interesting matchups, to say the least: Donny Osmond vs. Mr. Krueger's Christmas, “moisture” vs. “darn it”, funeral potatoes vs. scrapbooking, J. Golden Kimball vs. Star Wars gospel analogies, canning vs. “fetch”. Gladys Knight rubs shoulders with Napoleon Dynamite and David Archuleta. Greg Olsen paintings vie for position against fry sauce and BYU football. Anyway, take a look if you want a chuckle today.

A Birthday Quote

You know you're getting older when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. —George Burns

Dancing Elves

Just a little something to celebrate the holiday... now with more Hiro!

Fourteen Minutes Left

I spent one of my fifteen minutes of fame yesterday. I told a joke to thousands of people nationwide. A lame joke.

I don't listen to Dr. Laura on the radio much, as her show is typically on when I'm at work. But yesterday I had taken the day off, and I was heading to the store to pick up some potatoes for the garlic mashed potatoes that we are going to have today, as we had underestimated how many potatoes we'd need. I flipped on the radio and there was Dr. Laura. I enjoy listening to her show. Maybe it's because she tells it like it is and actually gives good advice, but mostly I think it's because I get some sort of perverse amusement out of listening to her rip into someone who's causing all of their own problems and blaming it on everyone else.

Anyway, she was having her annual “Corny Joke Day;” every year on the day before Thanksgiving, people call in to tell her a corny joke, the cornier the better. Those who get on the air get a prize. So I said to myself, “Self, you know a lot of corny jokes. Why not call in?” In fact, my company had recently published some joke and quote books to give away at trade shows (which you can download for free if you like), so I had plenty of material from which to choose.

So I called. The line was busy the first few times I called in, but on the fourth attempt I got a ring on the other end. After about two minutes, the screener picked up and asked to hear the joke. I told it, and she responded with an odd sound somewhere between a groan and a snort. Either sound is good for a corny joke, I suppose, unless it was a snort of derision. Apparently it wasn't, though, because she took my info and put me in the queue.

I spent the next ten minutes or so listening to the show through my phone, and heard several other corny jokes:

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A. “Oh, look, a herd of elephants coming over the hill!”

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A. Nothing; he didn't recognize them

Q. Why did the mother hen bring her chicks to the eye doctor?
A. To check their peepers.

Q. Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. Their brains swell at night.

Then, before I knew it, I was on:

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

As she sometimes does with the jokes, Dr. Laura made an attempt at a serious answer, something about allowing them to smell the breeze more easily. But of course, that wasn't the answer.

A. Because they have big fingers.

September 19

Arr.

Jurassic Continents?

Gold Medal Riffs

“Welcome to the men's Rock Band finals here in Beijing. We've had some pretty exciting qualifying rounds, and it's down to eight great teams. Tell us who to watch in this event, Keith.”

“Well, Bill, the Americans of course have a long history of producing the greatest rock legends ever seen, but those skills don't necessarily transfer to Rock Band the game. This event doesn't test your artistic ability so much as your capacity to slavishly duplicate canned performance instructions, and rock legends aren't exactly known for going by the book. But raw singing ability and sense of rhythm do help in this event, and the American team certainly has that on their side. Their team also has last year's world Guitar Hero champion on lead guitar, which should help them a lot.”

“Do the Americans have any significant competition in this event, Keith?”

“Sweden has some serious death metal chops, so they're a real threat to the U.S.'s gold medal aspirations. And then there's Japan, whose karaoke experience and sheer ability with controllers of any kind makes them decidedly dangerous.”

“Karaoke? Really?”

“Absolutely! Don't forget, there's no panel of judges in this event. It's all scored by a game console, which has no real concept of performance quality as humans perceive it. All it knows is whether you hit the right note at the right time. You can have a voice like fingernails on a chalkboard, but if it's on pitch, the console will score it highly.”

“That's fortunate, since this is a new event and there really aren't any experienced judges for it.”

“Not that judging quality was ever really that important at the Olympics.”

“Point. Oh, it looks like the American team is about to take the stage. Yes, they've taken up the controllers, and the drummer is scrolling through the songs... Unlike most events, we aren't told about their routine in advance, and teams typically practice at their dorms in the Olympic Village rather than in the arena. So we find out what they're going to play when you do. Oh, it looks like they've selected ‘Highway Star’ by Deep Purple. Tell us about this song, Keith.”

“Well, as is fitting for the finals, they've selected a Tier 9 song; in fact, it's Tier 9 for all components except for drums, where it's Tier 8. ‘Highway Star’ is one of the hardest selections in the Rock Band song list; probably the only one that's harder is ‘Run to the Hills’ by Iron Maiden. It's a very, very high tempo song with a long guitar solo. It should prove to be an interesting choice.”

“And they're off to a very solid start, it seems. The CPU is judging them very highly so far.”

“Yes. It should be noted to viewers who may be unfamiliar with the event that the console judges on the fly; you can see what it thinks of their performance as they perform, rather than having to wait until the end to get any indication of its opinion.”

“Last year's world champion is doing very well on lead guitar, and the drummer is just spot on. The vocals are a little shaky, but not too bad. He seems a bit nervous.”

“Understandably so, seeing as he's performing in an arena chock full of people when he's more accustomed to singing in his living room.”

“And here's the guitar solo... oh, that was very well done. The computer loved that!”

“Yes, and the audience is rising to their feet and applauding as the song approaches the end. I'm not sure whether they're reacting to the performance itself or simply the high marks.”

“And there's the bow to the officials... wait, they're not leaving the stage. What's going on?”

“It looks like there have been a number of calls from the audience for ‘Free Bird.’”

“But if I understand right, ‘Free Bird’ is not an available selection in Rock Band.”

“No, it's not; it's available in Guitar Hero II but not Rock Band. They're selecting something new from the menu. The officials don't like it, but they don't know what to do.”

“Well, you don't exactly see encores in the pole vault.”

“Oh, they're doing ‘Roam’ by the B-52s!”

“And the crowd loves it! Look at the officials! What are they doing?”

“I believe they're holding up lighters, Bill.”

“This is a very special moment here in Beijing, folks.”

*sob* “I love this song!”

(Idea for this post came from here.)