Mo Madness

It's March Madness time. Office dwellers across the country (including myself) are filling out brackets and prepping their trash talk for their co-workers. Today, though, I discovered an entirely different game: Mo Madness, the Mormon culture tournament. It was apparently put together by a guy who writes a blog called What Mormons Like. Basically, he's asking you to vote for elements of Mormon culture. There are some interesting matchups, to say the least: Donny Osmond vs. Mr. Krueger's Christmas, “moisture” vs. “darn it”, funeral potatoes vs. scrapbooking, J. Golden Kimball vs. Star Wars gospel analogies, canning vs. “fetch”. Gladys Knight rubs shoulders with Napoleon Dynamite and David Archuleta. Greg Olsen paintings vie for position against fry sauce and BYU football. Anyway, take a look if you want a chuckle today.

Happy 1234567890!

Nerdiest. Holiday. EVAR.

Dancing Elves

Just a little something to celebrate the holiday... now with more Hiro!

Fourteen Minutes Left

I spent one of my fifteen minutes of fame yesterday. I told a joke to thousands of people nationwide. A lame joke.

I don't listen to Dr. Laura on the radio much, as her show is typically on when I'm at work. But yesterday I had taken the day off, and I was heading to the store to pick up some potatoes for the garlic mashed potatoes that we are going to have today, as we had underestimated how many potatoes we'd need. I flipped on the radio and there was Dr. Laura. I enjoy listening to her show. Maybe it's because she tells it like it is and actually gives good advice, but mostly I think it's because I get some sort of perverse amusement out of listening to her rip into someone who's causing all of their own problems and blaming it on everyone else.

Anyway, she was having her annual “Corny Joke Day;” every year on the day before Thanksgiving, people call in to tell her a corny joke, the cornier the better. Those who get on the air get a prize. So I said to myself, “Self, you know a lot of corny jokes. Why not call in?” In fact, my company had recently published some joke and quote books to give away at trade shows (which you can download for free if you like), so I had plenty of material from which to choose.

So I called. The line was busy the first few times I called in, but on the fourth attempt I got a ring on the other end. After about two minutes, the screener picked up and asked to hear the joke. I told it, and she responded with an odd sound somewhere between a groan and a snort. Either sound is good for a corny joke, I suppose, unless it was a snort of derision. Apparently it wasn't, though, because she took my info and put me in the queue.

I spent the next ten minutes or so listening to the show through my phone, and heard several other corny jokes:

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A. “Oh, look, a herd of elephants coming over the hill!”

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A. Nothing; he didn't recognize them

Q. Why did the mother hen bring her chicks to the eye doctor?
A. To check their peepers.

Q. Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. Their brains swell at night.

Then, before I knew it, I was on:

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

As she sometimes does with the jokes, Dr. Laura made an attempt at a serious answer, something about allowing them to smell the breeze more easily. But of course, that wasn't the answer.

A. Because they have big fingers.

September 19

Arr.

Santa, This is What I Want for Christmas

Jurassic Continents?

Jamie Wants Big Boom

And now, for your viewing pleasure, animals which bear a striking resemblance to one Jamie Hyneman. Click any of the pictures below to enlarge. First, for comparison purposes, an image of the great beret'd one himself:

Puppy Jamie:

Hyneman kitty:

Here's one I screen captured from one of my daughter's animal DVDs. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Jamie the Emperor Tamarin:

By the way, if you don't already watch MythBusters, you're really missing out on a great show. Go check it out.

I, For One, Welcome Our New Monkey Overlords

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh and Carnegie Mellon University have successfully trained monkeys to use robotic arms... with their minds.

I Promise, I Hardly Ever Do This

So I doubt that there's anyone who reads this who doesn't know me personally, but on the off chance that there is, allow me to introduce myself via the time-honored Internet tradition of answering a bunch of random questions about one's self. This particular list comes courtesy of Sister:

Do you like blue cheese?

No.

Do you own a gun?

No, unless projectile vomiting infants count.

What flavor Kool Aid is your favorite?

None.

Do you get nervous before a doctor appointment?

Not usually. The only time I can remember was just before getting an MRI.

What do you think of hot dogs?

Sometimes yummy, always unhealthy.

Favorite Christmas movie?

Just about every Christmas movie I've seen stinks to high heaven. So I'm gonna have to go with It's a Wonderful Life.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Moo juice.

Can you do push ups?

Yes, but not as many as I should.

What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

The only one I own, my wedding ring.

Favorite hobby?

No one favorite. Reading, writing software, playing computer games, playing chess and swing dancing with Gorgeous Wife, though I have little time for any of it ever since I got kids.

Do you have A.D.D.?

Riddled with it, in fact.

What's your weight?

Kinda personal for an online questionnaire, aren't we?

Middle name?

Personal again!

Name three thoughts at this exact moment.

I really should stop blogging and get back to work. I ate a bit too much for dinner. I wish I was home instead of at work.

Name three drinks you regularly drink.

Milk, water and (too much) soda.

Current worry?

When I die, will my kids know whose funeral they're attending?

Current hate right now?

Working late.

Favorite place to be?

Home.

How did you bring in the new year?

At home with a very pregnant Gorgeous Wife and our daughter (whose blogging code name I have not yet invented).

Where would you like to go?

Mexico, Puerto Rico, the UK, Italy, Hawai'i. I could come up with others if you twisted my arm.

Name three people who will complete this.

Sister already did. Camille probably will. I have very few blogging friends. *sigh*

Do you own slippers?

Gorgeous Wife's sister got me a pair a while back, and they're very effective at keeping feet warm. Too effective, in fact. Unless it's really cold, I can't wear them for very long or my feet get hot.

What color shirt are you wearing right now?

Red.

Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

Can't say I ever have, so I don't know whether I'd like it.

Can you whistle?

Yup.

Favorite color?

Blue. Used to be green.

Would you be a pirate?

I'm not too big on pillaging, swilling grog, or disemboweling people, so I guess I wouldn't make a very good pirate. I do enjoy talking like a pirate, though. Matey.

What songs do you sing in the shower?

Ugh. The shower has horrible acoustics.

Favorite girl's name?

Gorgeous Wife's name, of course.

Favorite boy's name?

My son's name. (He needs a blogging code name, too.)

What's in your pocket right now?

Handses! Actually, my wallet. And a hole.

Last thing that made you laugh?

Probably my son making toothless gummy smiles.

Best bed sheets as a child?

Uh, don't remember my childhood bedsheets. Who wrote this thing, anyway?

Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Five stitches under my chin.

Do you love where you live?

It's very nice, but I'd like a standalone house better.

How many TVs do you have in your house?

Only one in active use. We have a little one that's sitting in a closet, and a portable DVD player that gets used on occasion.

Who is your loudest friend?

Probably Camille. Not that I mind. Loud friends are some of the most fun. Loud neighbors, on the other hand...

How many dogs do you have?

None. I'd like one someday, though.

Does someone have a crush on you?

Gorgeous Wife, I hope!

What is your favorite book?

No one favorite. I do enjoy J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, and Ken Jennings.

What is your favorite candy?

Butterfinger, Twix or Twizzlers.

Favorite sports team?

Not really a sports fan. I used to follow the Utah Jazz, before John Stockton retired.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Probably “Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me.” Though what will actually get played is probably something like “Let's Get This Party Started.”

Seven Glasses is Okay. Really.

So (ideally) you learn something every day. Today I was flipping around radio stations on the way to work and came across a segment about the conventional wisdom of drinking eight glasses of water a day to help your body purge toxins. Now, I've never felt particularly strongly about it, but I had no concrete reason to believe that it wasn't true.

Turns out, it's bunk. This page gives the gory physiological details, but the short of it is, you really don't need to worry about drinking a specific amount of water. If you drink when you're thirsty, you'll be fine. In fact, for some people, drinking that much water will actually reduce the effectiveness of your kidneys slightly. Imagine that.