A Birthday Quote

You know you're getting older when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. —George Burns

Fourteen Minutes Left

I spent one of my fifteen minutes of fame yesterday. I told a joke to thousands of people nationwide. A lame joke.

I don't listen to Dr. Laura on the radio much, as her show is typically on when I'm at work. But yesterday I had taken the day off, and I was heading to the store to pick up some potatoes for the garlic mashed potatoes that we are going to have today, as we had underestimated how many potatoes we'd need. I flipped on the radio and there was Dr. Laura. I enjoy listening to her show. Maybe it's because she tells it like it is and actually gives good advice, but mostly I think it's because I get some sort of perverse amusement out of listening to her rip into someone who's causing all of their own problems and blaming it on everyone else.

Anyway, she was having her annual “Corny Joke Day;” every year on the day before Thanksgiving, people call in to tell her a corny joke, the cornier the better. Those who get on the air get a prize. So I said to myself, “Self, you know a lot of corny jokes. Why not call in?” In fact, my company had recently published some joke and quote books to give away at trade shows (which you can download for free if you like), so I had plenty of material from which to choose.

So I called. The line was busy the first few times I called in, but on the fourth attempt I got a ring on the other end. After about two minutes, the screener picked up and asked to hear the joke. I told it, and she responded with an odd sound somewhere between a groan and a snort. Either sound is good for a corny joke, I suppose, unless it was a snort of derision. Apparently it wasn't, though, because she took my info and put me in the queue.

I spent the next ten minutes or so listening to the show through my phone, and heard several other corny jokes:

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill?
A. “Oh, look, a herd of elephants coming over the hill!”

Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A. Nothing; he didn't recognize them

Q. Why did the mother hen bring her chicks to the eye doctor?
A. To check their peepers.

Q. Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. Their brains swell at night.

Then, before I knew it, I was on:

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

As she sometimes does with the jokes, Dr. Laura made an attempt at a serious answer, something about allowing them to smell the breeze more easily. But of course, that wasn't the answer.

A. Because they have big fingers.

Thrash Thrash Gasp!

I've fought my way to the surface to report that we've finally had our software release at work. This is one we've been working on for a long time and are glad to finally have it done. I'm looking forward to getting more time with my family.

The new house is coming together. Almost all the boxes are unpacked and things are mostly in their places now. There are still some projects to take care of, but that kind of got put on hold this weekend since we all got sick. We're all pretty much over it now, except for my son, who ended up with a double ear infection. With that and five teeth coming in simultaneously, he is thoroughly miserable.

Some long-overdue photos:

“Hello, computer.”

It's, Um, Well, You Know, a Problem

I like to think that I can speak well most of the time. I have a good vocabulary and a voice that carries well. Sometimes I feel it's a bit more nasal than I'd like, but that's not horrible. (You ever notice that your voice sounds far “cooler” in your head than when you listen to a recording of it? In my head, I'm Dennis Haysbert, but everywhere else I'm Gilbert Gottfried. Not really, but you get the idea.)

What I really have trouble with is thinking and talking simultaneously. If I already know what I'm talking about, the words come out pretty easily, but if I'm thinking about it as I go, I tend to stumble and say “um” a lot. It really bothers me, particularly when I'm talking about something technical at work in front of several other co-workers. How do you avoid using filler words when you talk?

Anyone Looking for a Condo?

So I'm moving. At least, I'm reasonably certain that I will be moving. It is, of course, dependent on my selling my current home and purchasing another one. I've got great credit and a great Realtor, so I'm pretty confident that it will happen before too long.

I think that getting a mortgage may be the most frightening thing I have ever done, and now I'm lining up for a bigger one. (“Please, sir, I want more!”) I don't deny that it's probably a good idea for us to move at this point in our lives, seeing as we're kind of outgrowing our current home, but the whole experience fills me with an irrational trepidation which I somehow twist into a more rational caution.

We aren't moving very far, by the way, in case you were worried (or maybe relieved) at the prospect of us leaving the state. We're still planning on staying in the Salt Lake Valley.

I Promise, I Hardly Ever Do This

So I doubt that there's anyone who reads this who doesn't know me personally, but on the off chance that there is, allow me to introduce myself via the time-honored Internet tradition of answering a bunch of random questions about one's self. This particular list comes courtesy of Sister:

Do you like blue cheese?

No.

Do you own a gun?

No, unless projectile vomiting infants count.

What flavor Kool Aid is your favorite?

None.

Do you get nervous before a doctor appointment?

Not usually. The only time I can remember was just before getting an MRI.

What do you think of hot dogs?

Sometimes yummy, always unhealthy.

Favorite Christmas movie?

Just about every Christmas movie I've seen stinks to high heaven. So I'm gonna have to go with It's a Wonderful Life.

What do you prefer to drink in the morning?

Moo juice.

Can you do push ups?

Yes, but not as many as I should.

What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

The only one I own, my wedding ring.

Favorite hobby?

No one favorite. Reading, writing software, playing computer games, playing chess and swing dancing with Gorgeous Wife, though I have little time for any of it ever since I got kids.

Do you have A.D.D.?

Riddled with it, in fact.

What's your weight?

Kinda personal for an online questionnaire, aren't we?

Middle name?

Personal again!

Name three thoughts at this exact moment.

I really should stop blogging and get back to work. I ate a bit too much for dinner. I wish I was home instead of at work.

Name three drinks you regularly drink.

Milk, water and (too much) soda.

Current worry?

When I die, will my kids know whose funeral they're attending?

Current hate right now?

Working late.

Favorite place to be?

Home.

How did you bring in the new year?

At home with a very pregnant Gorgeous Wife and our daughter (whose blogging code name I have not yet invented).

Where would you like to go?

Mexico, Puerto Rico, the UK, Italy, Hawai'i. I could come up with others if you twisted my arm.

Name three people who will complete this.

Sister already did. Camille probably will. I have very few blogging friends. *sigh*

Do you own slippers?

Gorgeous Wife's sister got me a pair a while back, and they're very effective at keeping feet warm. Too effective, in fact. Unless it's really cold, I can't wear them for very long or my feet get hot.

What color shirt are you wearing right now?

Red.

Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

Can't say I ever have, so I don't know whether I'd like it.

Can you whistle?

Yup.

Favorite color?

Blue. Used to be green.

Would you be a pirate?

I'm not too big on pillaging, swilling grog, or disemboweling people, so I guess I wouldn't make a very good pirate. I do enjoy talking like a pirate, though. Matey.

What songs do you sing in the shower?

Ugh. The shower has horrible acoustics.

Favorite girl's name?

Gorgeous Wife's name, of course.

Favorite boy's name?

My son's name. (He needs a blogging code name, too.)

What's in your pocket right now?

Handses! Actually, my wallet. And a hole.

Last thing that made you laugh?

Probably my son making toothless gummy smiles.

Best bed sheets as a child?

Uh, don't remember my childhood bedsheets. Who wrote this thing, anyway?

Worst injury you’ve ever had?

Five stitches under my chin.

Do you love where you live?

It's very nice, but I'd like a standalone house better.

How many TVs do you have in your house?

Only one in active use. We have a little one that's sitting in a closet, and a portable DVD player that gets used on occasion.

Who is your loudest friend?

Probably Camille. Not that I mind. Loud friends are some of the most fun. Loud neighbors, on the other hand...

How many dogs do you have?

None. I'd like one someday, though.

Does someone have a crush on you?

Gorgeous Wife, I hope!

What is your favorite book?

No one favorite. I do enjoy J. R. R. Tolkien, C. S. Lewis, and Ken Jennings.

What is your favorite candy?

Butterfinger, Twix or Twizzlers.

Favorite sports team?

Not really a sports fan. I used to follow the Utah Jazz, before John Stockton retired.

What song do you want played at your funeral?

Probably “Jesus, Savior, Pilot Me.” Though what will actually get played is probably something like “Let's Get This Party Started.”

Hi! I Lowered my Cholesterol!

Remember that guy in the Cheerios commercials? He'd walk up to people he didn't know and say, “Hi! I lowered my cholesterol!” Well, I feel like him.

I visited the doctor today to check my progress on reducing my cholesterol, which six months ago was at 202. (Yikes!) The doctor entered with a puzzled look on his face and asked, “Have you been taking any medications for cholesterol?” “Well, you didn't prescribe any for me, so no.” He then informed by that my cholesterol had dropped 67 points!

So, much to my delight, I am now off this diet. Not that I'm planning to fall off the wagon or anything, but it'll be nice to have a little real bacon once in a while.